The Two Voices

We all have multi faceted personalities. But do we have multi faceted minds too? Mine is. I still am not able to recognize the dimensions of this multi faceted mind.

Is it two? Maybe it is. Maybe not. Those are the two voices in my mind going right now; each clanking with other; each competing with other to come out. Which one wins, then? ” The one you choose” might me the most cliched answer.

Here it goes- deep inside me, I’m mesmerized by the simplicity of things in life-the book I recently read, the morning breeze, the chirping of birds, the smiles of people around me,the nature, the stillness, the silence.

On the other hand, my body is pulsating, my heart throbbing, hands shaking. I’m scared, scared of the world. Everything I experience nowadays becomes overwhelming. I’m scared of the responsibilities, the duties, the “overwhelming time pressure” and what else not! I’m scared I will not improve, afraid to make decisions. I’m even scared of the fact that I’m scared. I always give the “outer circumstances” as an excuse. But, is it?

Or is it the inner engineering that needs to be optimized? When the first voice clicks, I feel surreal,mesmerizing, awestruck by the beauty of everything around me; everything around seems magical. The world seems to be in a perfect balance of harmony. I feel at peace.

And when the second voice clicks, there is a perpetual wave of self-hatred that dwells itself in many forms-depression,anxiety yada yada.

I feel there is an ongoing conflict between the two-resulting in my indecisiveness. I feel Chidi’d(*the good place reference)!! I’m writing this implies its the first voice working in my consciousness. In between writing this, I hear the second voice. I feel decisions would have been much easier if I heard my first voice. But, life moves on and you need the second part to warn you, to protect you-a guardian “not an angel”!!

I’m the amalgamation of the two parts within-neither is good or bad. You need both in the right quantities. When the ratio gets messed up, you experience the same what I’m experiencing now, which is kinda inexplicable.

That’s just my philosophy. Its just the way I feel, others might not feel the same way. I wrote what I felt. And that’s the thing about writing-you write about the way you are right now, separating yourself from the shitty stories of the past and the wannabe you of future. This is, I feel the most pristine form of writing.